Done & Dusted for another 5 years

Today at 9am (in whatever time zone in the world they were in), 1000+ people sat the annual International Board of Lactation Consultant Examiner’s, IBLCE exam.

Many people for the first time, some for the second or third time. Some for the second or third time because after 10 years you must re-certify by sitting the exam… or some people (like me) re-certifying by sitting the exam after 5 years because they were a) too lazy; b) too time poor; or c) too disorganised to attain the number of credit points required to re-certify without doing the exam!

I’ll have you know, it wasn’t because I was too lazy, and probably not that I was too disorganised, I’ve just had a lot going on in the past 5 years!

It was the day after I first sat this exam that I found out I was pregnant with Kai. The results came out in October… Kai was born in October. It was not until after Christmas of that year that I chased up my results which had been sent to Abu Dhabi, and then returned to the European IBLCE office.

The lead up to this exam was not your run of the mill procrastination… it was more a case of emotional avoidance!

I’m pretty certain I passed, and can safely avoid the exam for another 5 years.

Happiness is a Yellow Rose

Welcome to my garden, beautiful boy.

I am overjoyed to see you there again.

Did you come to remind me of something? Don't worry, I saw those first yellow tips of bud on the 19th and I remembered.

Lots of Love
Mummy xxx

Mixed Feelings

Today I learnt that Kai's father has had another child, who is about 1 now.

I don't think I expected him to have anymore, though why I didn't expect him to have more, I'm not sure. In all honesty, why wouldn't he though?

Over the past 4 years, I have fully expected my reaction to the event of this news to be crushing.

Surprisingly it is not.

What I have mixed feelings about though, is why he has never told me? We have kept in sporadic email contact. Christmas and a couple of times a year, How's it going? type emails. So over the past two years you would think he may have mentioned a pregnancy or another child?

Wouldn't you???

Once upon a time this was my best friend, and until today someone I really missed not having in my life. Today I feel some what betrayed and bewildered. Why would he not have mentioned it? I have a few speculations but none of them really have any weight.

By the way I found out on Facebook... a mutual friend had commented on a picture of him and his kids!

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Another thing I learnt today was that my house doesn't have an electrical safety switch. I learnt this when the kettle exploded and burst into flames! I guess I can thank the Universe that at least I was not asleep, and that I was home when it occurred, so no-one was injured and my house didn't burn down!

Conversations with friends

Yesterday, we hung out with two of my bestest friends, K & A, their husbands and their children.

We started at 3pm to have a pre-Christmas get together.

We The big girls finished at 3am, the big boys fell asleep around 11pm after we had the kids all tucked up...

And yes, it was us big girls who bathed and bedded the children, and the big boys had the hard task of cooking the sausages and keeping us plied with cocktails!

K's brother-in-law was tragically killed in a work place accident a couple of weeks ago, which for her has brought a lot of souls searching, and a lot of looking at what would happen to her children if anything happened to her.

So with a cocktail fuelled discussion into the wee small hours, we went along the path with her. She knows her partner's time with their kids is limited and his tolerance level of the children is lower than average.

A and I were sworn to promise that we would be heavily involved in the care and decisions relating to her children if anything should happen to her. She was concerned that her partner would ask for help and lean on people that would not know what she really wanted for her children, or people that didn't know her like we do.

Over the past couple of weeks, her and her partner have discussed this at length and she has asked him to accept any help A and I would offer, and for us to be involved in any decisions he makes regarding the children's upbringing.

Wow! What a huge responsibility, but what an honour to know that a friend values you that immensely.

Of course, I was questioned about what plans I had in place for Boo. I have a Will bequeathing her care to my parents, or in the event they are incapable, my brother and sister-in-law. It was the perfect opportunity to make sure my friends knew how much I need them to fight back, if anything happened to me, and FW contested my Will for Boo's custody.

With discussions revolving about death and dying, what to say, what to do. The conversation came around to Kai. Both K & A, feel they didn't do enough at the time. These are people that will talk about Kai with me, experienced grief with me, let me sob when I needed to, and were there when it counted. I am eternally grateful to them.

Last night they shared their grief about, Kai. K is carrying deep regrets that she never came and saw Kai, that she never got to hold or touch him, that she missed her opportunity, and that at the time she was too afraid to see him.

Having done a lot of work with pregnancy loss prior to Kai's birth, I had extended an invitation to my close family and friends to see him if they wished. I didn't want anybody who felt they wanted to meet Kai to be excluded.

K feels she let me down by not taking up the offer. She definately did not... she did everything I would want of a friend. K is very, very angry with Kai, for leaving us because there is no-one else she can be angry with!

A was pregnant with me, she was angry and sad at the time that her pregnancy/new mum buddy had been snatched from her.

Being in my selfish pit of grief and despair at the time, I never took the time to think about just how much Kai's little spirit effected the other people who loved us. In fact until last night I was still unaware of the full extent this tiny little being had effected my freinds.

I am honoured to have these two people in my life, and I love them almost as much as I love Boo!

My Intertwined children. Part 8. Final - The Story of Boo

Three Years Ago Today

A beautiful, precious baby girl arrived.

She did not arrive as planned, because her mother was a midwife and they are known not to have normal labours!

After a long, long labour, with lots of vomiting (way worse than any pain), and a transfer from the Birth Centre to the hospital, finally fully dilated but... hmmm, whats that??? Oh its her brow presenting!!! Now for those of you, with no knowledge, the brow and face of a baby don't squish like the back and top of their heads, which generally means they ain't going to get through where they need to get through!!!

So at 5.17am Boo was born by caesarean section, and her mother was just so relieved to have a big, chubby, healthy newborn.


Her mother felt completely whole, like the missing piece of the puzzle had been found, and wondered how she survived this long without Boo?
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Before Boo was conceived, her mother was very sad after losing her baby son, Kai. Her mother desperately wanted a baby to love and nurture but she was not sure how this would happen.

There were lots of things going on in her mother's distraught head, apart from the loss of a baby. She had just returned from living overseas, she didn't have a social network which included single men, she was too depressed to go out and meet single men... Oh wait she did go on a date but realised that she would be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons, it would only be based on the prospect of obtaining sperm!

Her mother was a midwife, there was no way she could bring herself to go and share other families joy, or look at newborns. And did you know there are a lot of pregnant women out there when you just want that to be you???

Her mother had been for a job interview, and a question had been "What motivates you? What makes you get out of bed in the mornings?" The answer in the mothers head was, "The fact that the puppy needs to go out for a wee!" She didn't think that was the right answer, so mumbled some crap that might sound impressive!

Obviously, her mother had, and needed lots of counselling. She commonly heard "At least you know you can get pregnant, and can try again." Geez, Louise, she was nearly 36 and SINGLE!!! Do you people not get it, AGAIN for good measure. SHE. IS. SINGLE.

In December, the mother was a bit more pro-active and started looking into using a sperm donor. She could not quite get her head around an anonymous donor though, and her friends and family began searching for known donors themselves!

In early January, she met someone who was interested in being a sperm donor (found by her cousin). They discussed clinics, and other options.

In January, she had an initial appointment with an obstetrician who buoyed her spirits by telling her that within 6 months of any pregnancy, women are more fertile and she should definitely try before April.

In February, she had an appointment at the fertility clinic and was accepted as a candidate for donor sperm.

Also in February she had her annual PAP smear, and low and behold those nasty CIN2 (pre-cancerous) cells had returned. The gynaecologist allowed her 6 months to try and get pregnant before he would insist upon treatment.

She rang the interested donor and they went out for dinner the next night to discuss donating options. A lot of wine was consumed...

In March, the details of two anonymous donors arrived in the mail from the clinic. The sperm was ready as soon as she had decided which one, and when she wanted to start. Also that day, after getting nauseas driving her car, she discovered two pink lines on a stick.
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The mother planned early Chorionic Villus Sampling (CVS) to check for genetic abnormalities. To pass the anxious waiting time she did a two week midwifery contract in the country, and much to her surprise she didn't fall apart and was able to share other peoples joy.

Everyone tried hard to talk the mother out of a CVS due to the risk of miscarriage, but having any testing involving odds was not acceptable. In her head if it was one in a million chance for a problem, she would be that one, and she was not patient enough to wait for an amniocentesis.

The mother felt different this time, there of course was anxiety but that sense of dread that lingered in her first pregnancy just wasn't there.

At 13 weeks pregnant, the CVS results had come back normal and the mother was told she was having a girl.

The rest of the pregnancy continued comfortably.

And so that is, The Story of Boo. And this is why Boo really is the centre of my universe.

Happy 3rd Birthday, my precious one!

Oh and if you are wondering about that PAP smear, at 6 months pregnant the CIN2 was still there, and it was decided to wait until the baby was 12 weeks old for a repeat, as pregnancy hormones may speed up the cancer process and that would give the mother 3 months of breastfeeding in case radical treatment was required. At that check up the CIN2 had gone, and her cervix has been completely normal ever since!

My Intertwined children. Part 7 - Kai

If there was one single defining moment in my life, THIS IS IT...

A pre-warning, this is very long. I have needed to write it with this much detail for my own benefit.

Four Years Ago Today

A beautiful, tiny baby boy was born today, just as the sun began to rise over the city.

A beautiful, tiny baby boy died today.

A beautiful angel baby arrived in heaven today.

This beautiful baby boy angel is my son, my first born. His name is Kai. He stole away a piece of my heart that forever belongs to him, and with him went hope, dreams and any foreseeable happiness.

I had made a decision two weeks prior to end this pregnancy. I talked to Kai constantly for these two weeks, reassuring him how much I loved him, how much he was wanted, what my hopes and dreams for him had been, and he answered with wonderful, fluttery kicks. We had bonded as mother and son.

When sleep eventually came, it was plagued by nightmares, always the same... I had agreed to an autopsy, and as they slithered Kai away piece by piece, they found no Trisomy 13, and Kai was completely normal... On my admission to hospital, I was offered another ultrasound to try and allay these fears, but genetic testing is pretty damn conclusive. I declined. Needless to say I also declined an autopsy for the same reason.

I was admitted to hospital at around 4.30pm and advised induction for a first baby at 20 weeks usually takes around 48 hours. I had the first dose of Misoprostil around dinner time. As staff I knew came in to offer their sympathies, other staff stayed well away.

I thought about the ironies of the situation. I was always the first person to volunteer to look after families having stillbirths, genetic terminations (I hate that terminology), or suspected bad outcomes. I did it because I wanted to make sure these women/families had the best care possible, and the choices of what they wanted in their labour, and their after care. Mostly, I got good care, maybe this was because I did a lot myself and verbalised how I wanted things to be.

My mum stayed with me throughout, though my stepfather, brother, sister in law and nephew spent the evening with me.

I had a second dose of Misoprostil around midnight, and an hour later I was contracting and vomiting with every contraction. I opted to have Pethidine with my Maxalon, and managed to snooze. I remember in the morning being angry that I had agreed to Pethidine as I felt like I had missed out on that last bit of bonding time with my baby.

I ruptured my membranes a couple of hours later, and an hour or two later Kai was born. Nikki, tried to take him out of the room to clean him up (he was still in his membranes). Poor Nikki, was told not to taking him anywhere, and I was more than happy to clean him up myself. And that I did.

Kai was cuddled all day. He was tiny, much smaller than your average 20 week infant, he had a bilateral cleft palate and lip, low slung ears and maybe an extra toe but not the rocker bottom feet commonly seen in Trisomy 13 and 18.

And you know what, having normal looking feet made me happy and relieved!

My sister in law came in for a cuddle with Kai soon after he was born. Oh, did I happen to mention she was 39 weeks pregnant and had spent the night before last in the same hospital contracting. The thought that her baby and Kai might be born on the same day was more than extremely distressing.

My aunty who had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer, and my cousin also came in for a cuddle. My aunty sat in the corner holding Kai for a long, long time, almost trance like. I'm not sure what was happening, but I can tell you when her cancer returned two years later, Kai's rosebush got sick, and a few weeks later when she died, the rosebush died. I think it was their way of telling me not to have a rosebush!?! Though every year I buy myself a bouquet of yellow roses on this day.

We made a day of special memories with Kai.

The maternal fetal medicine consultant, JD came to do my discharge after lunch. She told me she was so sorry, I replied "Why? It's not your fault"! That sticks in my head vividly, as does the offer of contraception??? I was single, devastated, and unlikely to be going out on the prowl anytime in the near future. And besides, I wanted a baby!

At 4.00pm the chaplain arrived to baptise, Kai and make a recognition of his life. This is when I really fell apart.

I howled, I moaned, I sobbed.

This was the hardest and worst moment in my life. I was going home WITHOUT my baby.

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My niece and god daughter, Bella was born the following week. For some reason I thought I was strong enough to go and visit. I walked into the labour room, my brother was sitting across the room, holding his beautiful, chubby newborn baby. I walked across the room and gave him a kiss, congratulated him on his beautiful baby and lost the plot.

I ran from the room, sobbing, leaving my bag behind. I didn't know where I was going. I just needed to be far away. I took the back stairway to avoid seeing anyone, but lucky for me, a colleague of mine was on her way up the stairs.

If Hilary had not been coming up the stairs and taken me under her wing and let my parents know where I was, I have no idea where I would have ended up???

I managed to look at my niece weeks later, and it was another couple of weeks before I could hold her. I suffered anxiety attacks thinking about seeing her, but I tried and just kept trying. I sat in the car in their drive way numerous times but just couldn't get out. Bella represented everything I had lost!

When I did manage to hold her, with her piercing, all knowing, bright blue eyes peering at me all knowing. It was very hard to put her down!

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The Scruffy Mutt came three weeks later, and he is essentially Kai's dog. Maybe thats why he can be such a cheeky rascal.

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I have a special memory box. It lives in my cupboard. It comes out far less frequently now, but in particular the blanket and a blue rabbit that are in nearly all Kai's (few) photos are the two things that make me feel particularly close to him.

His ashes lived in a box inside the box for about 18 months. They were my concrete evidence that Kai had been here with me, if only for a precious short time. At Boo's Naming Ceremony, I did a balloon release with blessings for Boo. These blessings were also for Kai.


Inside a blue helium balloon were Kai's ashes, scattered from high above to wherever they wished to settle. His spirit was long gone from them, and the memories are firmly imprinted on my heart.



The final part - The Story of Boo. I will write and schedule before I go on holidays!

My Intertwined Children. Part 6

Four Years Ago Today

The final results were in. Kai had Trisomy 13, not a mosaic Trisomy 13 where he might have had a chance of survival, but the full deal. This meant that if he survived pregnancy and birth, chances were he would not live longer than a month.

I had now had 2 weeks to digest this information, I was a midwife I knew the deal. No, I didn't really have anymore questions. I chose to end my pregnancy.

I had spent these past few weeks staring, through tear blurred eyes at the ocean. In the car if the weather was howling with me, or on the sand when the sun was shining. I had just started a 3 month work contract, and it was keeping me extremely busy, and I was thankful for the distraction.

I know not everyone would have made this choice, and as much as I really didn't want to part with my little boy, it seemed the right choice to make (or maybe it was the expected choice to make).

The choice was made easier by the fatality of this Trisomy. Had Kai had a non-fatal trisomy such as Down's Syndrome, I honestly cannot tell you what my decision would have been.

I was single, in my mid-thirties, had just moved country and was a constant blubbering mess.

My grief was all consuming, but my family and friends (or the few who knew I was pregnant) and my wonderful internet friends who I could share absolutely anything with tolerated my self-indulgence and were all wonderful in their support and their love.

Kai's father, was a wonder of support though probably not through other people's eyes. His brief emails, and knowing the news distressed him was all I needed and more than I expected from him.

I also began to feel Kai move, and we spent many sleepless nights in bed bonding as I talked to him and let him know how much I loved him, and he'd respond with his little fluttery kick.

Three Years Ago Today

Boo was due in less than 3 weeks. I was now really anxious that she would choose to arrive on Kai's birthday. I was trying hard to find ways to see the positives if that occurred. I couldn't really find any that convinced me they were positives!!!

I hoped and prayed she would be born before then to try and avoid the grief, and I do remember contracting 5-10 minutely all night one night around this time with nothing eventuating.

Today

I went to see the Genetic Counsellor (whose office is on the floor above mine) to ask if anything untoward was seen on the nuchal translucency scan that would have resulted in the Professor coming in. No, there was nothing reported, so maybe it was just coincidental and in my paranoia I imagined more. But I'm proud that I have dealt with the one thing that has bugged me for four years now...

To be continued...

Sliding

Compounding my bad days. Boo's donor dad is beginning to make demands on having more time with her. The worst part is, he's probably legally entitled to (if it gets to that)!

I'm not in a good place right now, and no matter how cheerful I try to be with Boo, she knows it too...

A Bad Day

For the past 2 years, I get one week into October, thinking I'm doing okay, this year I'm going to be much better as October 28th looms before me...

Then wham, bang, thud...

The black hole in the earth re-opens and threatens to swallow me up.

Last year in October, a dear friend of mine's baby died in-utero.

This year, one of my favourite online friends, has just received results that her unborn baby has a genetic syndrome (Big Hugs My friend - you are in my thoughts).

My heart becomes as heavy as lead, as I think that anybody should have to go through this sadness, and even more so when its somebody I know.

The sadness that occurs when in an instant that picture of a beautiful, healthy baby, and those dreams and plans for that healthy baby/child are stolen. Either stolen completely, or morphed into a child we cannot picture, and dreams and plans that can no longer be imagined.

I wish I could take away all the pain and sadness.

Why can't all baby's just be healthy???

My Intertwined children. Part 5

Four Years Ago Today
I had my CVS. The maternal-fetal medicine specialist, JD was the only person in the world I trusted to do the procedure. She is a wonderful woman.

I know I cried from the moment I got on the table. JD and the midwife (both of whom I had worked closely with) tried hard to be encouraging. One in 104 is not such a bad odd, they'd had someone last week with a 1 in 2 chance of abnormalities and that baby was normal.

They didn't have my gut instinct!

After watching Kai doing somersaults for a few minutes, JD commented on what a healthy looking baby he was. And then the needle went in and collected the placental cells...

Two days later, I received the fast tracked results which were only 99% accurate. These have a high risk of false positive readings. I was offered this being that I was an ex-staff member and I had such a strong gut feeling.

Kai had Trisomy 13.

I was devastated. I cried and cried and cried and cried for days on end, for hours on end. I spent lots of time by myself at the beach, I know it rained a lot and I generally sat in the car watching the waves...

I had been a midwife for nearly 10 years. I knew about Trisomy 12, 18 and 21 but I had never heard of Trisomy 13.

I met with the genetic specialist and the genetic counsellor the next day to discuss options. We decided to wait another 10 days for the final results (not that there was anything likely to change).

Three Years Ago Today
As much as I couldn't wait to meet Boo, I was starting to get anxious at the prospect of her being born on Kai's birth date. She was due 5 days later, so it was a very real probability.

My Intertwined children. Part 4

Four Years Ago Today
I was back in Perth. I had my first trimester screening test (nuchal translucency and blood test). I was 13 weeks pregnant and my mum had just had major surgery.

It was fantastic to see my baby wriggling around, and his heart beating but then in came the Maternal Fetal Medicine Professor. Why??? To this day I'm not really sure. I panicked and burst in to tears. Yes, that gut feeling, and of course having worked at this hospital, I knew who this man was looking at my scan. He did his best to reassure me that the baby looked fine and that the nuchal fold measurement was fine (which it was).

My guess is that on that scan the bilateral cleft palate would have been obvious. I might go upstairs and see the genetic counsellor and ask her if anything was seen then as it still bothers me why he came in.

I went out for dinner with my girlfriends that night, one of them knew I was pregnant and asked if I was going to tell everyone, I told her no, not until I know the screening was fine.

The next 2 days, I actively chased up the results. I needed to know. I was advised the results would be sent to my GP but I couldn't wait.

Late Friday afternoon, I got the results. There was a 1 in 104 chance that this baby had a chromosomal abnormality. Not good odds but better than some! Some hope that my gut feeling was wrong...

I arranged for chorionic villi sampling the next week, despite being advised to wait another couple of weeks for an amniocentesis (less chance of miscarriage). No, I couldn't possibly wait that long. I had been waiting long enough with this bad feeling and anxiety.

Three Years Ago Today
I was 35 weeks pregnant, and impatiently waiting to meet my little girl. I was finished work, I was buying nappies and cute outfits. It felt safe to do these material things now :-)

My Intertwined children. Part 3

Four Years Ago Today
I was on a flight to Perth from Dubai after a mild amount of drama at the airport in regard to traveling on an emergency passport. I had finally received an emergency passport from the embassy in the morning (talk about cutting it fine).

I had a fairwell dinner with friends the night before, and received some lovely gifts. I shared with them the truth of why I was really leaving, and my lack of partying over the past couple of months. No-one had suspected a pregnancy but everyone seemed happy for me.

I had spent the evening in Dubai with a close girlfriend, who tried very hard to find out who the father was. Actually, the night before had also raised much speculation on who the father was too. My secret but I think most people had suspicions. He was never going to be involved in this childs life as a father figure, and since he was still living in the Emirates I didn't want anybody to put expectations on him that I certainly didn't have.

Finally, after a couple of weeks of passport dramas, I was on my flight, coming to terms with the reality of becoming a sole parent, imagining life with my son (didn't even enter my head this baby could be a girl).

Three Years Ago Today
I was imagining life with my daughter, again as a sole parent.

I was also so over my job, the early starts and the late evenings, so I resigned! I hadn't been there long enough to be entitled to maternity leave so I was looking forward to finishing work in 2 weeks, though I would still be doing some casual midwifery work.

To be continued

My Intertwined Children. Part 2

Four Years Ago Today
The packers had been and most of my things were in a crate on a ship back to Australia. My flight was in 10 days from now. My passport needed to go the immigration department to have the visa cancelled. I could not find it!

My pregnancy brain had left my passport in the scanner, after needing a copy of it for the shipping company. It was safely packed up and on its way to Australia. This began a week long relationship with the Australian Embassy - it wasn't pretty, I was emotional with pregnancy hormones. The security guard even gave up putting me through the detection unit, I think he was afraid of my emotional outbursts. And if I could have spoken to an Australian person at the Australian Embassy I might have been happier???

During this week my Aunty had also been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I was sick of dealing with the laid back attitude of the Emiratee official at work who was not having it that I was passportless and not at all very helpful!

In my head, I knew this baby was a boy. I had already called him Kai. The anxiety and dread that something wasn't right still lingered, and I'd had some spotting which didn't help with the anxiety.

Three Years Ago Today
I was enjoying my pregnancy, enjoying my baby bump, enjoying those kicks from my baby, and happy and relieved that even if she was born now she had a great chance of survival.

To be continued...

My Intertwined Children. Part 1

As I head towards Kai's 4th Birthday, some bloggers are having sad anniversaries, and others are beginning this sad journey. I started this blog after blogging The Empty Chair as I felt I needed to write Kai's story again with a new perspective.

I wrote it at the time, blow by blow, and some of you went on the journey with me. The support I received over the internet was by far the most beneficial. My internet friends allowed me to say what I couldn't say to my friends and family, they allowed me to whine about those that tried so hard but just didn't get it, and most of all they questioned and didn't avoid the topic.

Someone recently commented that the 4th anniversary seemed harder, is it because the children that follow angels are a bit more independent giving us time to reflect, or is it because the pain isn't quite so raw that we allow ourselves to reflect more?

It's not just the story of Kai, it's also intertwined with the being of Boo.

Four years ago today
I was living in Abu Dhabi, I was about 8 weeks pregnant and unmarried. I had a brief encounter with my ex-boyfriend.

This is completely against Sharia Law (or Islamic Laws), it results in a jail sentence until the baby is born, and then a deportation, with or without the baby. As a westerner, you have the luxury of being able to afford an airfare and leave the country, many expats in the Emirates do not earn enough to pay for an airfare.

As you can imagine, my pregnancy was kept very quiet. My flatmate and another close friend knew, and my boss knew (just in case I miscarried or something untoward and needed to just get on a plane). When you're a party girl, that enjoyed the odd alcoholic beverage its very hard to explain to your mates why you're having a quiet night in, or why your not drinking, or why you'll drive everyone home from the party in Dubai...

I do remember bursting into tears at this time, and sharing my fears with my wonderful flatmate that something was wrong with this baby. I had that gut feeling that something was wrong from the time I found out I was pregnant. It was a sense of dread. I thought it was just being an overanxious midwife and knowing what can go wrong, but I didn't feel this way when pregnant with Boo.

Three years ago today
I was 7-8 months pregnant with a healthy baby. I was huge and happy. I was past most of the dangers. I was nesting, preparing the baby's room and looking forward to meeting my little person.

I was still grieving and missing my little man, but I had hope and optimism on my side. This baby may not replace Kai, but it certainly helped take away some of the pain.

I was feeling so optimistic, I managed to return to midwifery. The panic I had entering the hospital where Kai was born was gone. I was once again able to share people's joy at giving birth to a healthy newborn. And healthy newborns didn't send me into a flood of anxiety and tears over what I didn't have...

I hated when people asked me if this was my first, mostly I'd answer yes despite every fibre of my being shouting NO!!! It was like I was denying Kai's existence and I felt I was betraying him.

To be continued...

"The Empty Chair" - title borrowed from mythreeringcircus.com

Tiff's post "The Empty Chair" has touched me and opened up some wounds that have been dormant for a little while. While I will never know what it is like to have a baby for 5 days, and then not to have him. I do know what it is like to lose a baby. Why do we say lose a baby? It sounds like I've just forgotten where I put him...

I think, I think about Kai everyday but sometimes I'm not sure. Something I read, something I hear, something I see tugs at that little spot in my heart that belongs to him. Mostly it doesn't ache as much as my recent toothache, sometimes its a twinge, and at times like now its almost like the toothache.

In the 'new' house there are fewer of the reminders.

There is not the bedroom Kai would have had.

There is not the breakfast bar Kai and I would have had our breakfast and lunch at (that Boo and I never did).

There is not a walk in robe where I can see his memory box sitting on the top shelf each night (though I know its just inside the door and can tell you every item in there).

There is not the empty space in the garden where Kai's rosebush died. It got sick when my aunty got sick, and it died when she died. She spent lots of time cuddling and holding Kai when he was born and she had been just diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a sign that I didn't really need the rosebush, as there would always be yellow roses somewhere.

I still miss Kai, and I grieve all the lost hopes and plans I had for him. But if there had been no Kai, there would be no Boo. And on the convex of that, if there was Kai, there would be no Boo

Taking a Reminder

Today in our house, I took the awareness of mortality reminder left by Andrea's death, to treasure every moment. Housework and other urgent jobs were abandoned to spend a day with my family - Boo and Sheikh, the incredibly scruffy mutt..

I fear to think where I might be now without the scruffy mutt. He was purchased a few weeks after the loss of my first son, Kai. Sheikh (or as he is called by Boo, Sheikeeee) is the reason I got out of bed each morning, and without that I wouldn't have Boo, and I wouldn't be as happy and content in life as I am now
Then
Now

A day solely focussed on what a 2½ year old wants is fun, but even more fun is really paying attention to the details of their worlds. Boo was up a little earlier than my sleep cycle was happy with but by the time she got me from bed, she had put the heater on (it was 1°C, something us West Australians don't cope well with), put the TV on and had her Dora DVD in ready to go (unfortunately it didn't just go, which is why I was required to hop out of a warm bed).

After an hour of Dora, which included breakfast and a few extra spoonfuls of Vegemite for Boo. Boo was ready to play babies, but the baby wasn't born yet Sadly I missed the birth photo opportunity!


Baby Polly has been well cared for and loved all day, and has come everywhere with us. At the park she was lovingly shown lots of things (the green grass, the playground, the red slide, the blue slide, Sheikh's poo bag). She was allowed first option on the home swings, but deemed too little for the trampoline after she bounced off. Blankets and pillows were arranged and rearranged. A discussion on whether Polly would prefer breast or bottle feeding ensued (of course breastfeeding won). Polly is now tucked up in her cot after she was deemed by Boo to have "Had a good day"! Boo will make a fabulous mummy one day.


We have also done paintings, played with the imaginary friends (there are currently 3), some gardening, and made a yummy banana cake despite Boo protesting she doesn't like banana cake (of course that was before she tasted it). Now she knows that her mummy makes the best banana cake in the world!!!