"The Empty Chair" - title borrowed from mythreeringcircus.com

Tiff's post "The Empty Chair" has touched me and opened up some wounds that have been dormant for a little while. While I will never know what it is like to have a baby for 5 days, and then not to have him. I do know what it is like to lose a baby. Why do we say lose a baby? It sounds like I've just forgotten where I put him...

I think, I think about Kai everyday but sometimes I'm not sure. Something I read, something I hear, something I see tugs at that little spot in my heart that belongs to him. Mostly it doesn't ache as much as my recent toothache, sometimes its a twinge, and at times like now its almost like the toothache.

In the 'new' house there are fewer of the reminders.

There is not the bedroom Kai would have had.

There is not the breakfast bar Kai and I would have had our breakfast and lunch at (that Boo and I never did).

There is not a walk in robe where I can see his memory box sitting on the top shelf each night (though I know its just inside the door and can tell you every item in there).

There is not the empty space in the garden where Kai's rosebush died. It got sick when my aunty got sick, and it died when she died. She spent lots of time cuddling and holding Kai when he was born and she had been just diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a sign that I didn't really need the rosebush, as there would always be yellow roses somewhere.

I still miss Kai, and I grieve all the lost hopes and plans I had for him. But if there had been no Kai, there would be no Boo. And on the convex of that, if there was Kai, there would be no Boo