My Intertwined children. Part 7 - Kai

If there was one single defining moment in my life, THIS IS IT...

A pre-warning, this is very long. I have needed to write it with this much detail for my own benefit.

Four Years Ago Today

A beautiful, tiny baby boy was born today, just as the sun began to rise over the city.

A beautiful, tiny baby boy died today.

A beautiful angel baby arrived in heaven today.

This beautiful baby boy angel is my son, my first born. His name is Kai. He stole away a piece of my heart that forever belongs to him, and with him went hope, dreams and any foreseeable happiness.

I had made a decision two weeks prior to end this pregnancy. I talked to Kai constantly for these two weeks, reassuring him how much I loved him, how much he was wanted, what my hopes and dreams for him had been, and he answered with wonderful, fluttery kicks. We had bonded as mother and son.

When sleep eventually came, it was plagued by nightmares, always the same... I had agreed to an autopsy, and as they slithered Kai away piece by piece, they found no Trisomy 13, and Kai was completely normal... On my admission to hospital, I was offered another ultrasound to try and allay these fears, but genetic testing is pretty damn conclusive. I declined. Needless to say I also declined an autopsy for the same reason.

I was admitted to hospital at around 4.30pm and advised induction for a first baby at 20 weeks usually takes around 48 hours. I had the first dose of Misoprostil around dinner time. As staff I knew came in to offer their sympathies, other staff stayed well away.

I thought about the ironies of the situation. I was always the first person to volunteer to look after families having stillbirths, genetic terminations (I hate that terminology), or suspected bad outcomes. I did it because I wanted to make sure these women/families had the best care possible, and the choices of what they wanted in their labour, and their after care. Mostly, I got good care, maybe this was because I did a lot myself and verbalised how I wanted things to be.

My mum stayed with me throughout, though my stepfather, brother, sister in law and nephew spent the evening with me.

I had a second dose of Misoprostil around midnight, and an hour later I was contracting and vomiting with every contraction. I opted to have Pethidine with my Maxalon, and managed to snooze. I remember in the morning being angry that I had agreed to Pethidine as I felt like I had missed out on that last bit of bonding time with my baby.

I ruptured my membranes a couple of hours later, and an hour or two later Kai was born. Nikki, tried to take him out of the room to clean him up (he was still in his membranes). Poor Nikki, was told not to taking him anywhere, and I was more than happy to clean him up myself. And that I did.

Kai was cuddled all day. He was tiny, much smaller than your average 20 week infant, he had a bilateral cleft palate and lip, low slung ears and maybe an extra toe but not the rocker bottom feet commonly seen in Trisomy 13 and 18.

And you know what, having normal looking feet made me happy and relieved!

My sister in law came in for a cuddle with Kai soon after he was born. Oh, did I happen to mention she was 39 weeks pregnant and had spent the night before last in the same hospital contracting. The thought that her baby and Kai might be born on the same day was more than extremely distressing.

My aunty who had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer, and my cousin also came in for a cuddle. My aunty sat in the corner holding Kai for a long, long time, almost trance like. I'm not sure what was happening, but I can tell you when her cancer returned two years later, Kai's rosebush got sick, and a few weeks later when she died, the rosebush died. I think it was their way of telling me not to have a rosebush!?! Though every year I buy myself a bouquet of yellow roses on this day.

We made a day of special memories with Kai.

The maternal fetal medicine consultant, JD came to do my discharge after lunch. She told me she was so sorry, I replied "Why? It's not your fault"! That sticks in my head vividly, as does the offer of contraception??? I was single, devastated, and unlikely to be going out on the prowl anytime in the near future. And besides, I wanted a baby!

At 4.00pm the chaplain arrived to baptise, Kai and make a recognition of his life. This is when I really fell apart.

I howled, I moaned, I sobbed.

This was the hardest and worst moment in my life. I was going home WITHOUT my baby.

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My niece and god daughter, Bella was born the following week. For some reason I thought I was strong enough to go and visit. I walked into the labour room, my brother was sitting across the room, holding his beautiful, chubby newborn baby. I walked across the room and gave him a kiss, congratulated him on his beautiful baby and lost the plot.

I ran from the room, sobbing, leaving my bag behind. I didn't know where I was going. I just needed to be far away. I took the back stairway to avoid seeing anyone, but lucky for me, a colleague of mine was on her way up the stairs.

If Hilary had not been coming up the stairs and taken me under her wing and let my parents know where I was, I have no idea where I would have ended up???

I managed to look at my niece weeks later, and it was another couple of weeks before I could hold her. I suffered anxiety attacks thinking about seeing her, but I tried and just kept trying. I sat in the car in their drive way numerous times but just couldn't get out. Bella represented everything I had lost!

When I did manage to hold her, with her piercing, all knowing, bright blue eyes peering at me all knowing. It was very hard to put her down!

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The Scruffy Mutt came three weeks later, and he is essentially Kai's dog. Maybe thats why he can be such a cheeky rascal.

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I have a special memory box. It lives in my cupboard. It comes out far less frequently now, but in particular the blanket and a blue rabbit that are in nearly all Kai's (few) photos are the two things that make me feel particularly close to him.

His ashes lived in a box inside the box for about 18 months. They were my concrete evidence that Kai had been here with me, if only for a precious short time. At Boo's Naming Ceremony, I did a balloon release with blessings for Boo. These blessings were also for Kai.


Inside a blue helium balloon were Kai's ashes, scattered from high above to wherever they wished to settle. His spirit was long gone from them, and the memories are firmly imprinted on my heart.



The final part - The Story of Boo. I will write and schedule before I go on holidays!

Weekend Downs, and Weekend Ups!

During the week, Boo developed a lovely trail of sores down the right side of her face.

She quite often gets some mild eczema, if I swap washing detergents, or if she wears new clothes before I wash them. We both got some new bed linen a couple of weeks ago, so I put the dry skin before the sores down to possibly the new pillow slips!

By Friday the sores were revolting, and weeped if she knocked them, and she was a bit out of sorts.

By Saturday, they looked like they were getting worse instead of better, she was lethargic, in the afternoon complained of a sore throat and went to bed for 4 hours! This from a child who has always fought having a nap, sent the alarm bells ringing.

A trip to the after hours GP, confirmed 'school sores' and a red throat, antibiotics required.

Today, she has been in the wars. She whinged and cried too much for my sanity! Slept all afternoon again. Then to top it off, got a stomach ache and diarrhoea *sigh*

The second weekend low for all of us was returning Milo. Sheikh has not known what to do with himself. Boo thinks we should just ask if Milo can live here, and even I miss the cheeky little mutt.

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And the ups -

I get a legitimate day off to care for Boo tomorrow. I'm really so over work at the moment!

I went in on Friday (my day off) to give a 30 minute presentation to the medical staff, and had Boo in tow. During my presentation, Boo fossicked in my handbag, and applied her make up (she looks pretty good as a drag queen), was trying to stick things in my back pockets, and then she discovered if she walked in front of the projector light she could make shadows on the screen - detracting from my lovingly prepared PowerPoint presentation!!! There were a few stuffy obstetrician/gynaecologists in the room that I have never seen smile, and apart from one of them (who fell asleep) she elicited a smile from the rest...

And then the highlight, after months of deliberation, I spoiled myself with this



I was planning on getting an SLR camera duty free next month and was doing some research. The store had a sale on, Olympus are giving $100 cash back, and I should get tax back at the airport.

The creme-de-la-creme which I feel a bit guilty about was I was sure the store assistant during the week had given me a better quote than the guy that was there on Saturday, and he took my word for it. So there was another $90 off.

I got home and looked at the quote from during the week, and the price I mentioned to him was the price of the single lens, not the twin lens kit. Oops!!!

Now I need to learn how to use it, though I am currently doing a photography course.

Gorgeous Boys

The Scruffy Mutts are multiplying

We are dog sitting little Milo for a few days. He and Sheikh have become great mates despite his new friend being half his size. They are following each other everywhere, and rolling all over the place together. Last night in their beds they kept popping their heads up to make sure the other was still sleeping. They were very humorous!!!

This photo has reinforced the fact that Sheikh desperately needs a face trim!!!

Before you ask, No they are not the same breed. Sheikh is a long haired Pugalier, and Milo is a Griffon Bruxellois

Christmas Decorations and a birthday

I was in David Jones today and they have their Christmas decorations out and on display already!!! I'm sure it gets earlier and earlier every year???

Its was also the Scruffy Mutt's 4th birthday on Monday. Boo and I made him a meat cake for his dinner with candles and all. Boo happily blew them out for him.

It seems just the other day he was this cute little puppy.




Happy Birthday, Sheikh. We love you boy

The Banging

Last night about 11pm I heard banging close by. To me the banging sounded like a car being smashed with a bat. No, I thought this is suburbia, I'm over dramatising the sound? There is some roadwork vehicles parked down the road, and I thought some lout might be throwing rocks at them, a much more logical explanation of the banging.

I knew it was close by but I couldn't see peeking out the venetian blinds in the dark, and being by myself with a small child, I didn't chance opening the blinds any further and drawing any unwanted attention my way. There was no yelling or shouting, no police sirens following... maybe someone was doing some late night DIY??? It stopped, I went about cleaning the kitchen.

I didn't think any more about the banging until this afternoon.

Boo, Scruffy Mutt and I went on our daily jaunt to the park. Boo loves it when there are other children in the playground, and today was one of those days. There were three feral children (all with snotty noses) in the playground and a baby of around 12 months being cared for by a girl of about 17.

The little boy, was about 18 months old (he had playground sand embedded in his nose snot, sorry TMI) kept jumping on the Scruffy Mutt and pulling his hair, he was finally dragged away from the poor dog by the older girl (who was the mother of the baby). The two girls who were about 5 and 7 were really sweet. We had earlier seen the smaller one walking to the park by herself with a bottle of green cordial and a plastic bag of food. She offered Boo some Malteser's from her pocket, I admit I was thankful when Boo said no thank you!

The older girl was really talkative, and on the way home from the park was telling me all about how David came over to their house last night and smashed up the car with a cricket bat... I knew that was what the sound was!!! They live just up the road.

Taking a Reminder

Today in our house, I took the awareness of mortality reminder left by Andrea's death, to treasure every moment. Housework and other urgent jobs were abandoned to spend a day with my family - Boo and Sheikh, the incredibly scruffy mutt..

I fear to think where I might be now without the scruffy mutt. He was purchased a few weeks after the loss of my first son, Kai. Sheikh (or as he is called by Boo, Sheikeeee) is the reason I got out of bed each morning, and without that I wouldn't have Boo, and I wouldn't be as happy and content in life as I am now
Then
Now

A day solely focussed on what a 2½ year old wants is fun, but even more fun is really paying attention to the details of their worlds. Boo was up a little earlier than my sleep cycle was happy with but by the time she got me from bed, she had put the heater on (it was 1°C, something us West Australians don't cope well with), put the TV on and had her Dora DVD in ready to go (unfortunately it didn't just go, which is why I was required to hop out of a warm bed).

After an hour of Dora, which included breakfast and a few extra spoonfuls of Vegemite for Boo. Boo was ready to play babies, but the baby wasn't born yet Sadly I missed the birth photo opportunity!


Baby Polly has been well cared for and loved all day, and has come everywhere with us. At the park she was lovingly shown lots of things (the green grass, the playground, the red slide, the blue slide, Sheikh's poo bag). She was allowed first option on the home swings, but deemed too little for the trampoline after she bounced off. Blankets and pillows were arranged and rearranged. A discussion on whether Polly would prefer breast or bottle feeding ensued (of course breastfeeding won). Polly is now tucked up in her cot after she was deemed by Boo to have "Had a good day"! Boo will make a fabulous mummy one day.


We have also done paintings, played with the imaginary friends (there are currently 3), some gardening, and made a yummy banana cake despite Boo protesting she doesn't like banana cake (of course that was before she tasted it). Now she knows that her mummy makes the best banana cake in the world!!!

A day incarcerated with a toddler!

The rain and the wind has kept Boo and I cooped up most of the day. My lack of enthusiasm for fun toddler activities today did not help matters either! I was blessed with 2 hours of child free time this morning, as my little sleepy head didn't drag herself out of bed until just before 10am. She has never been an early riser, and the weather Gods probably confused her this morning as it was so dark and rainy.

After breakfast, Boo locked herself in the "Play Zone" so neither the dog or myself could annoy her!?! When she reappeared, she decided to do some painting with what she calls her 'Bingo Dots' What this actually means is use at least 100 pieces of paper and put a dot of each colour on the page before you start again. Of course then you get bored of that and get violent with the paints and bang them against the paper until the paper is so wet it falls apart. However, today at this point it was my turn to paint. I was not allowed to paint until she had written my name on the back of my paper, and I was not allowed to finish until I had used every colour on my page (and of course painted exactly what I was told to paint). After I'd done my 3 paintings, I co-erced her to having lunch (after all one of us had been up for hours)!

After helping me hang some washing on the airer in the back room, harassing the dog for awhile and some whinging and tantruming about anything and everything, I turned to my friends Hi 5. I was trying to do some ironing - necessitated by the fact that my iron-free work clothes are still in the washing basket and the rain means they won't be washed and dried for tomorrow (I achieved a pair of pants). Boo meanwhile was displaying early signs of cabin fever. Poor Charli on Hi 5 copped a mouthful from the cynical toddler - she was pretending to ride a horse, Boo glances at the TV and rolling her eyes, sneers "Thats not a horse, silly" and the tirade continued. Glancing at the clock I realised I still had 5 hours to fill before bedtime...

A break in the rain came about 3pm, and to get out of the house we braved the arctic, cyclonic winds to walk the dog. Boo mind you has decided she's staying in her pyjamas today, and opts for a ride in the pram covered in every blanket she owns.

When we get home, we then have to wake up Catherine (the hermit crab) so we can sit and watch her try to climb up the side of her plastic home, and so Boo can rake the sand with a fork. After about 10 minutes I was tired of marvelling at Catherine's attempts to climb over the gum nuts Boo had put in her home, I suggested we tidy the 'Play Zone' again, and then with a little bit of time left before dinner I cleaned the fish tank. Needless to say, we now have a fish swimming upside down with buoyancy issues, "Will we have to send Blackie to heaven, Mum"???

Dinner came and went, followed by a bath, and then at 6.30pm Boo suggests we go and sit on her bed and chat. So after we chatted about our day, what she did with grandma and papa last night, and the ins and outs of Winnie the Pooh and friends, she suggests we turn off the light and have a cuddle - and crashed out. For my daughter to go to sleep with no issues, and before 8pm is a miracle. Thankfully it happened today!